for your sake i hope heaven and hell are really there...but i wouldnt hold my breath

im a prisoner to these weeks.
no time to take it all in
assess the situation and
then dive in.
i welcome october with open arms.
i can look forward to big cities with bright lights
boys two by two, with harmony and melodies
as beautiful as their glittering eyes.
and then i can unzip my skin and take it off
be someone else for just one day.
let the demon inside personify its self
in these sheeps clothes.
but until then i have to chase down the train of
my life and try to grab ahold.
...im bound to dislocate something...

and Jack,
hold your head high heavy heart.

there are no more monsters...

this isnt going to be beautiful. i feel like i have nothing beautiful left in me. the bright brandi light, that glow that everyone knows feels burned out. i have to spill this out.
i knew you werent ok. you couldnt walk, i could see pain in your face. on a face that isnt supposed to show pain. you cried so loud and there was nothing i could do.
you laid down and i try to console you, even though i was a mess.
i tried i tried i tried to fix you. and when your heart stopped, mine stopped too. i couldnt leave you. i couldnt let them take you from me. i thought for a second i felt you purr, but it was just my hand trembling. i dont remember crying, i couldnt feel anything. but i hear such loud crying. it wasnt supposed to be like this. i was supposed to take you with me when i left this place. our journey together wasnt through. i dont want you to be in a better place. im selfish an i want you here with me. it wasnt time. i wasnt ready. what am i suppose to do?
i thought if i wanted and wished it bad enough it would keep you here.
but my love couldnt save you...
please wake up now
im sorry
tears stream down my face cause i lost something i cant replace.

you wont be apart of my routine any longer. i cant hold you. i will never feel you tap on my arm again. no longer can i wiggle my fingers and find you underneath them. no more chasing me. no more fluffly tails to show how bold you are. no more rubbing the scar on your nose...knowing that could have been the day i lost you.
but you will always be with me.

goodbye monster.
♥

Poseidon's creation from a world of devastation

i am sunk with thought.
all of "nothing inparticulars"
wanting to be deep, but not knowing even how to stay afloat.
desparate attempts are executed between the notes.
i can take this lying down, chin up, eyes forward.
salty ships form at the corners of my lids,
where love and hate meet.
altercating currents send that ship sailing down uncharted territory,
all still seeming familar. the ship is sunk as it descends,
plunging into my ear. crashing likes kisses stemming
from adolescent hormonal mistakes.
tears come streaming down my face in all directions
much like a search party for shipwrecked survivors.
yet i still cant be found....let alone be saved.
the tides will change however, and all will be washed ashore.
dont wait for the water to run dry.
momentary relapse, but i can still see the lighthouse in the fog.
anchors away my friends.
and sail by the stars...

the sentiment of a libertine

"i do not mean to upset people, but i have to speak my mind...because what is in my mind is always more interesting than what is happening in the world outside my mind"
"it makes you impossible to live with though. do you see?"
"in my mind i am somewhere else"


in the most honest words for how the world is
for our wicked everyday mistakes...
in our lives we are given choices
but its the bad ones we choose to make...
cause to be great all of the time would be an awful bore
so to make this trival world seem more interesting,
the noble choices we choose to ignore...

for those thoughts you try to explain but can't....
for those that wish trauma upon themselves to have something
worth talking about, to have a life worth listening to.
for everyone who has these thoughts...and everyone does...
but cant say it out loud, for fear of sounding pathetic,
or irrational, or selfish and for not knowing why its so important to.

i'd rather feel pain, than be numb and not feel anything.
cause only then am i certain that i am alive

from the observation deck

i was spacing out while looking at a pot of boiling water, and as the bubbles shot to the surface, i got a subconscious urge to stick my hand in it. kind of like when you're on top of a tall building and you look over the side...apart of your body gets the quick urge to jump. ever realize the most beautiful moments you have in life are the ones that come right after you've been drained of all your good spirits? its like your body and mind crave the pain as to remind what makes the good parts so great. without it everything would be neutral...but neutral is bland. life would be bland without the sorrow and the torture and anything that causes a rift in our happy patterns we try so hard to sow together. im not saying that i want all this. nobody likes feeling terrible. well, not entirely. but i do believe its necessary. reminds to appreciate what we have...and give us something to work for.

the dream and the factory

"how's life?" its a dream, let me sleep on it. and i did. i woke up and have done nothing but spiral down in a world that feels no more awake than the next. that today which turned into tomorrow was purely oil and water. completely separate from each other, hince the disconnected and insoluble feeling i have. somehow its changed me, before everything would affect me, i was normal in a sense. but now i barely feel human. somehow ive perfected the art of rejuvination. i swallow venom and spit the antedote. i swim in lies but breathe the truth. i speak my secrets and save my worthless conversation. a bottle of "im sorry"s for the apologies i never have to make. what goes in rusted comes out gold. im inebriated with decadence, and i sweat out vivacity. everything conveyed its not what lies inside. the rott stays, the rust stays, the venom eats away at the lies and the worthless conversation is constantly speaking in tongues to the bottles spilled over with repent. a complete nightmare. a total opposite of what i want to be. as if i have no friends at all, even death wont return my calls...and all the failed attempts to "dial and get through" were proof. why cant i wake up from this? i have a nocturnal lifestyle, much like a vampire, but in no way am i hiding from the sun...just maybe wishful thinking that i can find my way back into my body so i can wake up where i left off.
none of this is real.....not even how i feel

and if the elevator tries to break you down...go crazy.

we must look like giants to those who feel so small. well know that i too fe fi fo fumble throughout life. people look to me for advice, as if i have it all together. if only they knew. no one is 100%, we cant get it right all the time. maybe i can give you words that crash, collide with your emotions to strike the right chord so you view something through new eyes...but know that i wander with mine closed. and my mind isnt 20/20 and crystal clear..but 7/11~ always open. everyone likes to think that we're rare and special, a dime in a pocket full of pennies...when really we're common copper. we're all going to fuck up. yes, try to be the true and best you that you want to be. yes, try to live up to your own expectations. but when your colors slip outside the lines, dont rip up your picture..it isnt over kid....its not ruined. just maybe, re-outline it abit and know not to be too careless around your boundaries. keep forked tongues behind your teeth and loose fingers inside your pockets the best that you can...but dont subside inside yourself and die inside for your own sins, we have charlton heston movies for that.

i crack concrete falling down for you

sometimes the only night "cap" i want, is in the barrel of a gun. i sleep with twisted thoughts and wake up with broken dreams...why is it so hard to break free from myself? i feeling like im screaming, constantly....but im on "mute". i feel like i went to sleep one night when i was 12....im not sure i ever woke up. im pretty sure none of this is real. my world is nothing but dreams and nightmares. sleeping beauty would have slept forever with no prince, no kiss. imagine that story this way: she sleeps forever, and never knows there wasnt a prince to save her. she never knows the good or the bad that becomes of the kingdom....there's no witch, no spell, no kiss, no dance....just dreams and nightmares. welcome to my world princess, i never got my kiss either. do we ever really get our happy endings? im under a spell...but if my world is set on fire, just let me sleep forever. i dont care how many thorns you cut and dragons you kill to get to me...if you dont save my entire world from burning apart, dont bother waking me. im better off with the dreams and nightmares, what isnt real wont hurt you, my prince...im pretty sure no one will get this entirely, its ok...it was for me.p.s. i miss feeling alright, depressed for no reasons kids...bi polar? that might explain the cold hands and feet (corny joke...thats so me)

you only want the world but its never enough for you

sleep is burning my eyes and thunder is echoing all around my head. im in my own scary movie, only i cant hear the music to let me know when to shut my eyes and clinch my ears tight. fear and sweat makes the night move slower....that minute was an hour, i swear. my heart beats out of my chest, i told it to slow down...but it just wanted to stop. these walls are yelling at me, and this cover is consoling me the best that it can. nothing can touch me here, but i forgot that there are no more monsters under my bed...no. they are in my bed. the enemy was me all along. im heavy with hate for myself. my blood is running so thick that my skin is black from bruising. burn my safe house down. what keeps me safe, makes me sorry. i want mistakes. id give anything for pain. break me in, wear me out...i want to leave this planet used. i dont want to die so new. turn my gold to rust. give me battle scars...sowed together with good memories.

heres romance for you, the sky is so in love that it bursts and the earth shakes and all the love pours down on us *alot like rain*. wish i could burst for you...someone hold me together before i shake apart

ill be right back, im going to go save the world...

"...thats my line"
i came to the conclusion today that its not about the destination, its about the journey. i want a struggle, i want nites of little sleep and long drives, i want all new faces and all new places, quick friends and slow dances on rooftops, fast pulses and blood shot eyes. an endless summer. i want everything earned and nothing given to me. i want to wake up in different area codes *you can sleep here tonite* i want to be missed by everyone. i want a sun and a breeze to blow on the words of a song thats deep to me. i want to expect the familar but get surprised with change. i want sore fingers and bruised knees. i want to hear my name so many times that it loses all meaning to me. i want people to wish they knew me. i'd give anything to bleed and sweat and hurt for something worth something. i want all the pain that comes before the pleasure, cause in the end...it'll seem so much better. i dont care where i end up, i just want to push for something-anything that looks like a step ahead. i cant be a superhero if i cant even save myself.

"This might be a waste of time, but there's no one i'd rather waste my time with then all of my best friends"

being half dead wasnt what i planned to be

For anyone who has ever seen American Psycho... that is what it's like inside my head when im pissed off. i am a murder, i am a murder inside my head. it will always stay that way. though i fear once my thoughts will slip through my ears and down to my hands...what then? im not saying that i want to kill anyone, not really, not at all. but in my head, to kill you is a natural reaction. for instance, you slap me in the face when i have a gun in my hand...in that moment of anger, its reaction to shoot you. i wouldn't be able to stop myself. this is why i would hate to get into a fight, i honestly think the other person would die by my hands. would i ever kill someone, outside of my thoughts, on purpose? im sure i would if there was no consequence...if i wouldnt get caught, if i hated someone enough, if at the moment i lost self control. how could this be Brandi...this isnt like you, you're a good person? im a good person on the outside...im not saying the person you're always around isn't me. that is me, always and forever, but there's a cancer that eats away at my thoughts. makes me think things that i dont want to think. a demon that tries its best to disgust me, scare me, hate me...it hates me so much. everything i dont want to think, it thinks. its the exact opposite of who i am, yet its still apart of me. its a powerful thing, but i am stronger...it will never win against me. dont fear me, know that its fear that keeps me sane. if i wasnt afraid to let it take over, if i wasnt afraid of death, if i wasnt afraid of a prison sentence, if i wasnt human enough to stop myself from bringing the end to someones everything thing....then that cancer would take me over. i know this all sounds crazy...but, i dont believe in crazy. far be it from me to tell someone that their world isnt real. if they see it, if they hear it, if they feel it then its real to them...just because its not real to everyone else, that doesnt make them crazy. in fact, im jealous. i would love a world of my own, where the unimaginable is possible, where the everyday norm is always something new and unpredictable. a place, other than my dreams, where i can play God. if ever there was a "heaven" it must be that...a place to play God. Your own world, where everything goes how you want it to. Sinful or not, "possible" or not, coherent or "crazy"...where your fantasy finally becomes tangible. have whoever you want, do whatever you want...impossible would be a barrier that doesnt not exist. no i am not crazy, i promise you this. we all have a demon, without a doubt. crazy does not exist, and i want you to do this, test your morals for me: if everyone in the entire planet told you that a circle was a square....though you can see it's most definitely a circle to you, would you believe them or yourself? lets not view our world through everyone else's eyes...