being half dead wasnt what i planned to be

For anyone who has ever seen American Psycho... that is what it's like inside my head when im pissed off. i am a murder, i am a murder inside my head. it will always stay that way. though i fear once my thoughts will slip through my ears and down to my hands...what then? im not saying that i want to kill anyone, not really, not at all. but in my head, to kill you is a natural reaction. for instance, you slap me in the face when i have a gun in my hand...in that moment of anger, its reaction to shoot you. i wouldn't be able to stop myself. this is why i would hate to get into a fight, i honestly think the other person would die by my hands. would i ever kill someone, outside of my thoughts, on purpose? im sure i would if there was no consequence...if i wouldnt get caught, if i hated someone enough, if at the moment i lost self control. how could this be Brandi...this isnt like you, you're a good person? im a good person on the outside...im not saying the person you're always around isn't me. that is me, always and forever, but there's a cancer that eats away at my thoughts. makes me think things that i dont want to think. a demon that tries its best to disgust me, scare me, hate me...it hates me so much. everything i dont want to think, it thinks. its the exact opposite of who i am, yet its still apart of me. its a powerful thing, but i am stronger...it will never win against me. dont fear me, know that its fear that keeps me sane. if i wasnt afraid to let it take over, if i wasnt afraid of death, if i wasnt afraid of a prison sentence, if i wasnt human enough to stop myself from bringing the end to someones everything thing....then that cancer would take me over. i know this all sounds crazy...but, i dont believe in crazy. far be it from me to tell someone that their world isnt real. if they see it, if they hear it, if they feel it then its real to them...just because its not real to everyone else, that doesnt make them crazy. in fact, im jealous. i would love a world of my own, where the unimaginable is possible, where the everyday norm is always something new and unpredictable. a place, other than my dreams, where i can play God. if ever there was a "heaven" it must be that...a place to play God. Your own world, where everything goes how you want it to. Sinful or not, "possible" or not, coherent or "crazy"...where your fantasy finally becomes tangible. have whoever you want, do whatever you want...impossible would be a barrier that doesnt not exist. no i am not crazy, i promise you this. we all have a demon, without a doubt. crazy does not exist, and i want you to do this, test your morals for me: if everyone in the entire planet told you that a circle was a square....though you can see it's most definitely a circle to you, would you believe them or yourself? lets not view our world through everyone else's eyes...